there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
