she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
