the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Vodka?
Forever.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
