I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
