Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
