The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize