Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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