there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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