he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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