Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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