got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
