tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
