I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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