I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I think my nap took me to another dimension
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
