i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
