I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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