yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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