if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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