Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
