There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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