Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
