We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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