Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize