I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
