Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
