Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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