Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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