I met the friendliest cop last night
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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