at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
