its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
