I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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