she looked like the before picture.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
