so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
