Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
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