Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize