You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
