Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
