Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
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