Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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