____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize