you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
