so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
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