dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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