I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
