I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
