so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
