so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize