this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize