I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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