Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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