she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You took a bar mat shot.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
