Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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