My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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