i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
