haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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