I smell stomach acid.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
