Why does Corona taste like a burp?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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