I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
