you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
