I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
